Perfect vs. imperfect abstinence

​When I first came into program, I struggled giving up on certain foods. I spent many years in denial, lying to myself about what foods I could and couldn’t eat and what constituted abstinence me. I don’t adopt to the red, amber, green food principle, because I truly believe that there are certain foods I simply cannot eat anymore. It’s either off limits or okay for me to eat. Black and white with no in-between.  
 
Sugar and white flour are both foods that trigger an abnormal response in my body and brain. That’s why I consider myself allergic to them. But my denial was that potato chips and fries were not in the same category. That didn’t serve me very well, and eventually, I admitted to myself that they had the same effect on me as sugar.  That’s about the time when I got truly abstinent (around six months ago) and started seeing success in this program. 
 
But then, something started to change. Potato chips and fries started to creep back into my diet—almost unconsciously.
 
It all started when I told myself that eating chips that weren’t made of potatoes was okay. That if they were made from chickpea or casava then they were “different.” Over time, as I became less strict, I found myself back to eating regular potato chips and fries again. I wasn’t bingeing uncontrollably or gaining massive amounts of weight—but something had shifted.
 
Then, the insanity and mental obsession started to return. And with it, so did familiar struggles. 
 
I noticed that my anxiety at work was returning, and my stress levels were increasing. I was running into conflict daily and I could feel anger, irritability, resentment, and fear creeping in. I was feeling compelled to “win” and retaliate, causing hurt to others again. 
 
One other sign that something was wrong was that I began chewing the skin on my fingers again—something I hadn’t done in a long time. They became raw and painful and were constantly bleeding. I realized I had simply swapped one form of self-harm for another. I had swapped food for fingers! 
 
Through daily prayer and meditation, going to meetings, and working the program, I realized that there was one solution—turn it over to my higher power and let go. I then stopped, paused, and I made time to listen. 
 
What I heard was that I was essentially self-harming. Doing to myself what I was doing before with food. Except this time, in addition to using food to numb the pain, I was also using my fingers! That’s the point when I realized I needed to be kind, loving, and stop self-harming. Not tomorrow, not next week, but right away. And of course, I needed to stop eating potatoes and fries. 
 
My higher power reminded me that I should stop immediately because I’m worthy of a life free of pain and anxiety. That I shouldn’t harm myself and that I had the ability to stop—it was all within my control. I deserve to be kind, loving, and gentle to myself and others. 
 
So, with the help from my Higher Power, I stopped eating the chips and fries and stopped chewing my fingers. My fingers have healed, and things started to get better at work. The mental obsession has almost gone, and I feel like myself again. 
 
It’s reassuring knowing that I don’t have to use imperfect abstinence as an excuse to binge and put on the weight anymore—something that I had always done in the past. But I was somewhat defeated about this idea that I no longer had six months of perfect abstinence. Should I just ignore my blip and carry on? Or just admit to myself and others that I have continuous abstinence, but it’s not always been perfect. 
 
The truth is, I cannot lie to myself or others anymore, as it doesn’t serve me. Therefore, if anyone asks, I will explain that I am abstinent and that I have been for over six months. But have I been perfect? No. But that doesn’t mean I have to punish myself, face fear, shame and embarrassment of saying I “fell off the wagon” again? Also, no. I have had success in this program and continue to do so. I was able to spot the path of self-destruction and intercept it, this time much sooner than I’ve been able to do before.  
 
What I can say is that I clearly needed a reminder that my abstinent list of foods isn’t negotiable. A slip up is just that. It doesn’t mean I have to reset the clock and give myself another excuse to give up. It’s just another reminder that I have to take this program one day at a time and recognize that this disease is cunning and baffling at times. But there is a solution (thankfully) and all I have to do is work the steps and listen to my higher power. And, just for today, I fully surrender.