When I first came into program, I struggled giving up on certain foods. I spent many years in denial, lying to myself about what foods I could and couldn’t eat and what constituted abstinence me. I don’t adopt to the red, amber, green food principle, because I truly believe that there are certain foods I simply cannot eat anymore. It’s either off limits or okay for me to eat. Black and white with no in-between.
Sugar and white flour are both foods that trigger an abnormal response in my body and brain. That’s why I consider myself allergic to them. But my denial was that potato chips and fries were not in the same category. That didn’t serve me very well, and eventually, I admitted to myself that they had the same effect on me as sugar. That’s about the time when I got truly abstinent (around six months ago) and started seeing success in this program. But then, something started to change. Potato chips and fries started to creep back into my diet—almost unconsciously. It all started when I told myself that eating chips that weren’t made of potatoes was okay. That if they were made from chickpea or casava then they were “different.” Over time, as I became less strict, I found myself back to eating regular potato chips and fries again. I wasn’t bingeing uncontrollably or gaining massive amounts of weight—but something had shifted. Then, the insanity and mental obsession started to return. And with it, so did familiar struggles. I noticed that my anxiety at work was returning, and my stress levels were increasing. I was running into conflict daily and I could feel anger, irritability, resentment, and fear creeping in. I was feeling compelled to “win” and retaliate, causing hurt to others again. One other sign that something was wrong was that I began chewing the skin on my fingers again—something I hadn’t done in a long time. They became raw and painful and were constantly bleeding. I realized I had simply swapped one form of self-harm for another. I had swapped food for fingers! Through daily prayer and meditation, going to meetings, and working the program, I realized that there was one solution—turn it over to my higher power and let go. I then stopped, paused, and I made time to listen. What I heard was that I was essentially self-harming. Doing to myself what I was doing before with food. Except this time, in addition to using food to numb the pain, I was also using my fingers! That’s the point when I realized I needed to be kind, loving, and stop self-harming. Not tomorrow, not next week, but right away. And of course, I needed to stop eating potatoes and fries. My higher power reminded me that I should stop immediately because I’m worthy of a life free of pain and anxiety. That I shouldn’t harm myself and that I had the ability to stop—it was all within my control. I deserve to be kind, loving, and gentle to myself and others. So, with the help from my Higher Power, I stopped eating the chips and fries and stopped chewing my fingers. My fingers have healed, and things started to get better at work. The mental obsession has almost gone, and I feel like myself again. It’s reassuring knowing that I don’t have to use imperfect abstinence as an excuse to binge and put on the weight anymore—something that I had always done in the past. But I was somewhat defeated about this idea that I no longer had six months of perfect abstinence. Should I just ignore my blip and carry on? Or just admit to myself and others that I have continuous abstinence, but it’s not always been perfect. The truth is, I cannot lie to myself or others anymore, as it doesn’t serve me. Therefore, if anyone asks, I will explain that I am abstinent and that I have been for over six months. But have I been perfect? No. But that doesn’t mean I have to punish myself, face fear, shame and embarrassment of saying I “fell off the wagon” again? Also, no. I have had success in this program and continue to do so. I was able to spot the path of self-destruction and intercept it, this time much sooner than I’ve been able to do before. What I can say is that I clearly needed a reminder that my abstinent list of foods isn’t negotiable. A slip up is just that. It doesn’t mean I have to reset the clock and give myself another excuse to give up. It’s just another reminder that I have to take this program one day at a time and recognize that this disease is cunning and baffling at times. But there is a solution (thankfully) and all I have to do is work the steps and listen to my higher power. And, just for today, I fully surrender.
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Hi there, I’m a compulsive overeater and food addict. I’ve been abstinent for about two months now. It doesn’t sound like a long time, but it’s a miracle for me, given how much I’ve struggled with food over the years.
The current definition of abstinence, as defined by oa.org, is: “The action of refraining from compulsive eating and compulsive food behaviours while working towards or maintaining a healthy body weight.” When I first started out in OA, I drew up a list of foods that I felt needed to be on my abstinence list. These were things like potato chips, anything with white flour (e.g., bread, pastries, baked goods etc.), processed sugar (including artificial sweetener), potato chips, fries and salted or dry roasted peanuts. These are all foods that once I start eating, I can’t stop. So, I cut them out of my diet completely. Did I stick to my abstinence list in the early days? Nope! Slowly but surely, I allowed certain foods to creep in, making up excuses and exceptions for things that I was addicted to, but was in denial about, and desperately wanted to eat again. Then came the ongoing battle with cravings. For example, I had a long-standing relationship with protein shakes. They filled me up in the morning and tasted great. I had a cycle of using them to replace meals and lose weight – but the weight always came back on when I started eating again. The protein shakes I was drinking contained no artificial sugars, but instead, sweeteners like monk fruit. Drinking one of these each day made breakfast time quick and easy and helped me stay full until lunch. However, it also meant that by the time I got to lunch, I was craving something sweet. So, after what must be close to 15-20 years of having the same breakfast, I gave up protein shakes. I now follow the 3-0-1 plan of eating, which is basically three meals a day, no snacks, and one day at a time. For each meal, I try to follow some basic rules, which are two handfuls of fruit or vegetables, one palm of protein and one handful of complex carbs like brown rice. I try to plan out my food in advance and spend a lot more time preparing food for the week ahead. It ensures I’m not tempted to open the food apps and order something online. My morning routine takes a bit longer now I make breakfast and lunch to take to work. But it’s worth the time and effort I put in because it helps ensure I don’t slip. I remind myself that one slip could actually be months of pain and misery for me, because once I start, it’s very hard for me to stop. Do I miss the foods on my abstinence list? Not really, not today anyway. I don’t have uncontrollable cravings like I used to. But if you had asked me that question in my first week, my answer would have been different. I had to work really hard to get over the cravings. I did that by increasing the volume of healthy food I ate during the first two weeks so that I remained full. After a couple of weeks, things started to get easier, and I felt like my sanity was slowly returning. I try to remind myself that I’m recovering but not cured – I’ll likely never be cured. I work the steps every day and try to remain in fit spiritual condition to maintain my abstinence, because my life depends on it. When I feel tempted to go back into old patterns and behaviours, I double down on my prayers and meditation, and turn my attention to helping others. I do a step 10, and if all else fails, I’ll pick up the phone, or read my notes from when I was binging. That helps me remind myself how painful it was when I was binging and how it’s just not worth it anymore. It’s a journey and I’m taking it one day at a time. I once read that you don’t work on being abstinent, you work on the steps, which helps keep you in fit spiritual condition. And as long as you’re in fit spiritual condition, you’re going to remain sane and free from the temptation and insanity that makes you eat compulsively. I’ll assume that’s true for me! In doing some research for this blog, I did come across this abstinence literature resource guide on the oa.org website. It includes a link to an abstinence PowerPoint presentation that I found useful. I wanted to share it in case you find it useful too! |
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